As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am helping my sister during her divorce. I feel that it’s important to be there for her during this trying time but to be honest, it’s completely wearing me out and now I’ve turned into the bad guy.
Last week, I offered to help her organize her bills because I knew that her rent would be due and such. So, I set everything up to make this an easier process. It has been at least seven years since she’s been on her own and I’m wondering if her future ex husband did more for her financially even before they were married because I’m constantly surprised at the lack of knowledge and even motivation. She is used to everything being taken care of for her and now she’s back into the land of reality.
Anyway, I setup a folder called “to be paid” and included everything that was due very soon. A couple were already a month or so late and I generously took care of those. (Total of $40- which she paid me the next day for)
Last night, I was able to get her setup with Online Banking from BOA and setup her checkbook. She liked that immensely and I know that she’ll use it. We also came up with a list of what she needed to take care of in the next few days also.
But, even with all of my help, her spending has not slowed down even though she is pretty much living on credit cards and does not have a job. She is working on Spousal Support but that could take months.
So, I get to be the lecturer on how crazy it is to go to a movie, spend $75 on tickets, popcorn and candy when there is no income coming in. Perhaps its her way of coping but it would freak me out to be in her position. That just shows you how different we are in terms of money.
But, I know that I must let go and let her do what she wants to. I can help her organize her bills, etc… but I cannot make her pay them and or get a job. She must stand on her own two feet and deal with her own problems.
Easier said than done right? But I’ve got my own problems and my own family to think about.
May 3, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I know this is going to sound bad, but there are boundaries we all have to follow. You have done what you can, shown her the door, setup the path, but you can’t make her open the door and walk through it. She will eventually need to come to terms and stand on her own two feet. It sounds like you have done so much for her already keeping her finances on track. I hope she at least stays current on her bills before using up any excess cash on wants. Not paying a bill to do something fun is immature and irresponsible on her part, not yours. I wouldn’t call you the good or bad guy, but a middle (wo)man in this transitional period.
May 4, 2008 at 8:26 am
You said it best: You’ve got your own problems and your own family to think about. Often when someone we love is in trouble, we want to do what we can to help, give them the benefit of what we’ve learned.
But that doesn’t mean they have to take it. And a lot of times, they don’t. When that happens, the only thing we can do is step back. You don’t want to become an enabler. It’s difficult not to get involved when you think someone is hurting herself, but sometimes the best thing you can do is step back and let her experience her own path, even if it’s not something we would do or would want for them.
May 4, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Jim- You’re right about the boundaries. It’s been eating me up to be so involved in someone else’s financial problems. I’m only one person right?
Veronica- You’re absolutely right about the enabler part! I feel like I’m taking over the role that her future ex-husband had and that makes me feel icky. I can only do so much.
By the way Veronica- are your comments turned off permanently? Just wondering.
May 5, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Thank you so much for bring the comments issue to my attention. I guess I must have unclicked something at some point. Yikes! Thanks again.
May 21, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Maria, what you fail to see is that my mom is extremely greatful for what your are doing for her. She is trying to learn, but she is still on the “Glen” track, with habits taught to her by him, and he is not very good at all with money, even though he has money. Me, my mom and my little brothers do not see you as the bad guy/girl at all, but merely as the responsible one, and we are very thankful for your help.
love- Chace
May 22, 2008 at 9:53 am
Chace-
Thank you for your indepth comment! For an almost 16 year old, you are very wise.
You’re right, she still is on the “Glen” track and I’m trying to help her break it but it can be exhausting for me sometimes.
I will try to help as I can because I dont want her to go too far under and I know that you guys appreciate it.